Guía Artística para el Olvido

Encontré esta entrada entre los borradores de mi blog. Ahí restan muchísimas ideas a medio escribir o algunas que hasta terminé pero no consideré necesario publicarlas. Podríamos decir que en mis borradores restan 53 cartas sin enviar. Bueno, 52 ahora que publico esta.

Esta entrada fue escrita el 3 de enero del 2016 y pulida hoy, 4 de septiembre del 2017. No recuerdo bien que me habrá llevado a escribir esto pero me sacó unas cuantas sonrisas al encontrar ciertas similitudes y recuerdos un tanto empolvados.


  1. Recuérdalos

    Deja que tu mente se llene de los momentos que una vez parecieron eternos. Húndete en las risas, los secretos, las promesas y las palabras que ahora no están mas que grabadas en tu mente. Revive los besos y quédate sin respiración, toma sus manos entre las tuyas y sostenlas hasta que se conviertan en polvo, camina a su lado en aquella tarde de agosto. Recuerda bien cada segundo, empapate en los recuerdos hasta que tus lágrimas se confundan en ellos.

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Can I NOT Decide, Please?

Personal note: I wrote this entry listening to Blood Bank – Bon Iver on repeat, if you feel like listening you’re welcomed to.


Have you ever stared at your ceiling blankly while thinking about all the possible turns and outcomes of life? The “what if’s” climbing inside your brain and a big question mark written on your forehead. If there’s something I’ve learned from reading poetry is that there’s nothing I’ve felt or lived that someone else hasn’t felt or survived before. So at least right now, while I’m blankly staring at my ceiling with Bon Iver playing on the background I don’t feel so hopeless or alone.

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Okay, it sounds pretty deppressing now that I read that first paragraph once more, so let me calm you down and tell you it’s not that bad. There’s just a hole in my brain where the decision-taking expert neurons are supposed to be… they probably flew off to Hawaii when they knew such a big pre-graduation crisis was coming. Those b…ad neurons.

After always being used to knowing what I wanted, right now I shrug away the big questions such as: What are you doing after you graduate? Will you do a masters? Where will you go next? Are you going to stay in Computer Science? Have you thought of doing something totally new? Are you moving back home? etc etc… Sometimes I even smile and jokingly say “I have no idea”, the jokes on me though… cause I really have no idea.

The only thing I’m pretty much clear about is that I’m done with expectations, my own and others’. My university graduation is not only getting my bachelors degree but also the end to the need of thinking that I’m breathing to prove myself smart enough, cool enough, strong enough, mature enough. Because now I know that I’m not smart enough, cool enough, strong enough, mature enough… I’m well beyond that: I’m just right for whatever purpose I’m standing in this planet for… and so are you. So let’s collect all those expectations, tiny “unoffensive” comments that stuck in the back of our brains feeding our insecurities, and that voice whispering all the ‘buts’ to our greatness and let’s throw them away.

I feel like many times we have this constant fear of disappointing others and disappointing our most severe judge: ourselves. So we go on walking each step carefully, taking each decision so seriously, looking over our shoulders for approval because… What if we are wrong? What if we fail? What if at the end we’re not taking the best path? Well I’ll tell you what: you have a tomorrow and a day after that to change that, and if we actually don’t have tomorrow: problems won’t follow us to what comes after “the end”.

All this mess is more than I speaking to you encouraging to live bravely and to not choose right or wrong, the easy way or the tough way, whatever everyone is doing or go against the current… This is me, telling myself to stop being so afraid.

How bad can it be? To just pick that that makes your heart beat faster, that adventure you dream of, that which you can’t take off your head of, yeah… that exact idea/thing/person/place/whatever that makes everyone else think you might be a bit too crazy but you still think about at night when there’s nothing left but you and your thoughts. Because at the end, if we’re wrong at least there won’t be anyone else to blame but “that foolish us from the past”… and that foolish us from the past will thank us back for giving him/her the chance of choosing at least for once… and then maybe say sorry for being so foolish and messing our lives up a bit.

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Now, the second issue here is to know what we really really want (I wanna, I wanna, I wanna), which takes us back to the beginning of this mess. Because now that we have decided that we will say goodbye to outside factors, it may happen that we don’t really know… but I’ll tell you a little secret: We always know. Yes, we always know what we want, because we can be a whole mess but if there’s someone that knows how to walk through that mess and get to the center of it all, it is ourselves. So let’s stop looking for the big answer in our ceiling, in that David Bowie thunder shaped cloud, in the lyric of the song we have on repeat for already three days, in the random video that popped up on our Facebook timeline or in others. It might take days or weeks (hopefully not years) before we get that answer out but let’s hope that by then we’re still brave enough to take it.

To close up this tiny mess of an entry, let me quote one of my favorite TV shows, just because when I saw this episode I felt it was talking directly to me and still now from time to time I look back to this quote and keep it as a mini mantra:

“Maybe it’s dumb to look for signs from the universe. Maybe the universe has better things to do. Maybe we don’t need the universe to tell us what we really want. Maybe we already know that, deep down.”  -Ted Mosby talking to Robin, How I Met Your Mother Episode: “Something Old”

So, reviewing.

Step 1: Freak out. Overthink everything. Miss the time when your biggest choice was if you wanted or not queso in your baleada (or cheese in your sandwich for those who don’t understand the baleada culture).

Step 2: Say “go to hell” to all those thoughts. Decide that you will do whatever you really really want.

Step 3: Freak out again because you don’t know what you really really want. Cry in fetal position, if needed.

Step 4: Drink a tea/coffee/beer/six tequila shots/apple juice and realize that all answers will come to you, from inside you… not from any other crazy destiny coded message.

What is the next step though? Sorry… but I haven’t reached it yet. I’m somewhere stucked between step 3 and 4, but I promise that as soon as I get to it I’ll let you know. Meanwhile, I’ll keep on sitting in the coffee shop close to my place writing my mind out and drinking as many Hazelnut Lattes and Passionfruit Green Teas it takes until the big answer comes.



Thanks for reading this, and I hope that if you’re in your pre-graduation crisis, pre-anything crisis or post-anything crisis you feel a bit more understood.

Also, thanks to the coolest Physics teacher ever for keeping up with my mess already for more than a month and reading through this entry as I wrote it… and thanks to all those who have also suffered my suffering when I become insufferable. Thanks to you all I keep thinking this is a pretty time and world to live in.

 

Vows of Love

  1. I promise to not be so harsh on you. I know sometimes I go blind to your efforts and how much you’re trying day to day. You deserve some good love at the end of the day and not a reproval look across the mirror.
  2. I promise to love you how you are, love handles, insecurities, dark circles under the eyes, frizzy hair on winter and spontaneous tears every time you watch movies in airplanes included. You’re great just like that and I couldn’t be happier to share my whole life with someone else rather than you.
  3. I promise to let you choose more often. To stop pushing society’s point of view, the pressure to make money or the fear of failure on every step of the way.
  4. I promise to let you follow your heart and together find/be with that who deserves our craziness. We’re happy enough both together but I’ve noticed you like holding hands, cuddling and breakfasts in couple on weekend mornings… So let’s share that with the right person.
  5. I promise to stop judging you for your bad days, weeks or months. You can’t always be all smiles and that is okay.
  6. I promise to let you stay in more often. No need to go out to that dinner if you don’t feel like it or to clubbing on a Saturday night. Some time with a book and a cup of tea is much needed every once in a while.
  7. I promise to stop making you remember the past. You’ve made such a good job moving on, sorry for sometimes just bringing it all up and making you a ball of tears and nostalgia.
  8. I promise to try to push you out of your pride/ego a bit more often. Come on, send that message, give that call, make that person cookies or just go out for a coffee… Let’s not lose great company to great pride, giving the first step says nothing but good things of you.
  9. I promise to let you sing your lungs out to Adele or T. Swift on a blue Tuesday night without judging you. No questions asked, no reasons needed. Just let it all out.
  10. I promise to do more stupid decisions… That you might regret later. Living is not only about the home runs but also about the striked and fouls, we might learn something at the end or just wake up with a huge moral hangover.
  11. I promise to let you wander around without destination. Travel, discover, make friends that will last for a day but that will give you dope life advice. Fly away and leave, go to a new place, repeat. Be free.
  12. I promise to take care of your heart. There’s nothing more vulnerable than that and still I know how you hand it out to those that look in the need of some love. How many times did it end up broken or messed up? And how many rejected? I know you regret none but it’s time to start living a bit less recklessly.
  13. I promise to fill your life with verses, music and colors. Feed your mind and soul, give you tunes to dance at random moments when you think no one’s dancing and enough material to turn over a grey day to a parade.
  14. I promise to go to the gym a bit more often, not so much about appearance but to keep you healthy and pumped up for whatever challenge pops up into your brain next.
  15. I also promise to eat healthier…. But also never forget to treat yourself every once or twice in a while.

    I guess you figured out to whom this love vows are, and I feel it’s so important to sometimes remember to be nice to yourself. Throughout many ups anf downs I’ve found out we can be our own worst enemy and it’s so terrible to have someone dragging you down all day, every day. No, no, no… 

    Probably I could think of more but I’m on s bus on my way to the south and I’m getting a bit dizy from staring at the screen… Shame on me making myself dizzy. 

    16. I promise to be more conscious about my car sickness in long rides.

    Have a beautiful weekend and treat yo’self. I for sure will!!! 

    Nostalgia for Her

    28c4411cddb61af9740f61a11d6c60d6.jpgnostalgia (noun): a sentimental longing or wistful affection for a period in the past.

    I wake up at 4:00am in the morning by the voice of my elder sister, as soon as I see her red face and her puffy eyes I know something is wrong, very very wrong. Her lips open but words don’t come out right at the moment, I stare blankly and think about the worst… Thing is I was wrong, what came out of her mouth was THE worst. 

    “Mom is not with us anymore”

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    Share the Light

    65321202I’ve been quite busy lately. I’m finally sort of done with (almost) all of my tough courses in university so I got overexcited about having a tiny spec of free time and decided to join every possible extracurricular activity I had interest in. This took me back to my high school years when my mom would be exasperated by the amount of things I got myself into and would ask me “Do you really need to do all this!?” and I would go “But but… MOOOM”. The funny thing about now is that I have no one to keep track of my activities so I just went all out. For this same reason I have not found much time to paint or write blogs, though now I’m keeping a mini journal (nothing interesting really, just me babbling whatever is in my mind)

    Aside from the fact of trying to keep myself together during the week and enjoying  my (still sort of busy) weekends, everything has been sweet. All though now I understand one of the reasons my mom got so stressed about me and my everything activities… THEY-REQUIRE-SO-MUCH-MONEY. I’m literally broke as I can get right now… but it’s okay. Who needs money… haha… or stability, right?

    So now, let’s get down to what I was thinking to write about…

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    Yo Te Elijo

    Con tanto Pokémon Go apareciendo en mi newsfeed lo primero que pensé al escribir este título fue “BULBASAUR YO TE ELIJO” sin embargo esto no tiene nada que ver con Pokémon (y así fue como la mitad de las personas cerraron mi post después de leer eso… rayos). Este post tiene un toque más dulce, algo de sonrisas, mucho de cursilerías y una canción en repeat.

    92e5ff47e564cbcf3aea658eb1f6922cCreo que más de una vez he comentado mi fascinación y alegría al observar a una pareja de viejitos caminando por la calle tomados de la mano. Mi pareja favorita hasta el momento ha sido una que me encontré en el Riverside Park un día que andaba corriendo. Se trataba de esta viejita en bicicleta que iba más lento que una persona joven caminando y este viejito que iba “trotando” sin camisa a su lado. En un punto el señor paró y ella dejó de pedalear para pasarle agua, a esto él la miró, sonrío y sin más palabras siguieron su camino. Hubo algo en ese momento sin palabras del cual fui stalker espectadora que me susurró que esto ya era una rutina, de la cual los dos disfrutaban.

    Sin embargo también me rodean y he visto muchos casos relaciones que no duran más que unos cuantos meses, divorcios después de unos cuantos años de matrimonio o después de muchos años, lo que me ha llevado a preguntarme ¿cuál es la clave secreta? He visto suficientes películas y Facebook posts que hablan de detalles románticos como serenatas, flores sorpresas, un Play Station nuevo y el Fifa del año, vida sexual activa, regalar toda la línea de labiales MAC, saber cocinar, tener la sonrisa de James Dean, nunca ponerle nombre a la relación/nunca casarse… Pero ¿quién dice esto? Nadie quita que sea un hombre divorciado y despechado que vive con sus 5 gatos o una mujer que nunca ha estado en una relación seria.

    Así que me fui por lo que creí más sabio y le pregunté a algunas de las parejas que han sobrevivido los años, problemas, falta de dinero, enfermedades, la pubertad de sus hijos, la celulitis, la calvicie y quien sabe cuantas cosas más… y la respuesta se resume en tres cosas: aceptar, renunciar, elegir. 

    Aceptar que no siempre tenemos la razón y aceptar que aunque a veces tengamos la razón es mejor dejar eso de lado por el bien de la relación o el bienestar de la otra persona. Muchas veces somos tercos, terquísimos (¿existe ese término?) y estamos acostumbrados a discutir mejor que un abogado o un político… pero ¿vale la pena? Además es fácil que nuestro ego nos cegue y no nos deje ver puntos más lógicos y realistas… Si, a veces debemos aceptar que no necesitamos un trampolín adentro del pequeño departamento o a veces tenemos que asentir, abrazar y dejar que la otra persona CREA que tiene la razón.

    Renunciar a la perfección, ya que no existe en este mundo humano. Uno de los errores más grandes al comenzar una relación es pensar que podemos hacer que la otra persona cambie, o “ajustarle” esos detallitos que no nos agradan a traves del camino. Si es cierto que podemos impulsar a la otra persona a ser mejor (y viceversa, lo cual es maravilloso), no podemos andar creyendo que es un proyecto que tenemos que terminar o mejorar. Nadie cambia por otra persona, el cambio se genera dentro de nosotros mismos y por elección propia. Por eso, como me dijo una mujer muy sabia “No hay persona sin defectos, por eso necesitas amar y cuidar a aquella con los defectos con los que podás vivir día a día y quien sabe… hasta a veces disfrutarlos.” Después agregó que sí andaba buscando alguien perfecto iba a morir sola y hasta sin gatos… pero no creo que deba agregar eso a la cita.

    Elegir amar, respetar, cuidar a esa persona día a día. Cada mañana cuando uno se despierta, puede decidir TODO (o bueno, mucho… a veces no tengo más elección que desayunar avena)… y dentro de eso está ser y dar lo mejor a esa persona especial. Porque si bien ds cierto que los sentimientos no son algo que se puede controlar, nuestras acciones (que son las que los demuestran) sí están a decisión. Yo he llegado a la teoría que no decidimos con quien conectamos, pero llega un punto en el que estamos al borde del precipicio de enamorarnos y vemos hacia abajo, tenemos un milisegundo para decidir sí saltamos a lo desconocido o nos quedamos seguros en el borde… Por eso, todo se trata de apegarnos a esa decisión de haber saltado, recordar lo que nos llevo a dejar lo seguro por la posibilidad de lo desconocido y disfrutar de esa elección que bien podría ser la mejor que hemos tomado…

    Así que hoy los invito a aceptar, renunciar y elegir. Dejar de lado todas esas cosas negativas que van destruyendo algo tan bonito como el lazo que se forma entre dos personas que se entienden sin mucho decir, que logran soportar esos defectitos y hasta encontrarles el lado bonito, que hablan por horas de trivialidades sin sentir el tiempo pasar… y hasta logran ceder el último pedazo de pizza sin sentir (tanto) dolor.

    Creo que todo lo que quiero decir es que los invito a querer: a querer sin egoísmos, sin mentiras, sin miedos… sin miedo al mañana porque cada mañana sabrás que “yo te elijo”.

    PS: igual, nadie dice que está mal los detalles románticos mencionados al principio, es más supongo que todo colabora a la relación para bien… pero las relaciones reales no se basan en momentos de Hollywood, las mejores fotos de pareja, el mejor regalo de San Valentín, etc… todo va más allá. ¿No creen?

    Haters Gonna… Do Nothing

    I know it’s been a while, I do not actually have an excuse though. So let’s skip that part and just tell you that I am doing really really REAAALLY GOOD… So good it is actually scary since I’ve been sold the idea (from tragic poems mostly) that after a great happiness comes great sorrow, but let’s hope not and just enjoy every tiny second of happiness.

    For the moments I am in Bogotá, Colombia spending my first week of vacation and as part of my mini South America tour. Next destination? Chile. For those who don’t know, I am half Chilean, but I have not ever been to Chile before so this trip is really special.

    I’ve been living all my life with lots of shades of the Chilean culture, my mom (even though I believe that by the end she loved Honduras more) couldn’t let go of Chile. We ate Chilean food on some Sundays, empanadas could not miss on September, she would sing Violeta Parra at the top of her lungs and read Isabel Allende (though I do not remember she liked books much, but she did read Isabel Allende for the sake that she was also Chilean), she hanged out a lot with other Chilean… we ate bread more than tortilla, all our house decorations where from Chile, there was a whole revolution when they removed the Chilean channel from our television cable, etc etc. (I guess you get the idea) So now, I am going to the place where all this originated, part of my roots and most of all: I have a small family, back in Honduras but I also have a not so small family in Chile, the type you call for every Christmas and birthday… and now is the time to meet them for the first time.

    So, basically I will be going back to my roots… or something like that (it sounds so dramatic)

    Until now, Colombia has been quite something. I really like it and it is my first stop after 10 months of being in Taiwan so… it has been quite a change and: I LOVE IT. I will be writing about this trip and other things related to traveling sometime soon. (including a guide of how to stop being afraid of being broke and just run away, save a bit, get some tickets, and have the time of your life)

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    Something I hate/love about traveling are the long layovers, this trip’s are waaay better than last year’s though, still I have had some time to get inside my mind, think of weird things, and try to make them sound interesting and philosophical and wise in this blog (yeah, I notice that double and no, I am not taking it away since that’s how I said it in my mind)… So, let’s try and with this I call started my summer which will  be (hopefully) full of painting, blogging, eating, running, watching kids’ shows with my niece, enjoying my family and bestest friends, and all of the same time missing my Taiwan life (other thing I want to write about… this weird limbo of being back home but missing the other home a bit).

    (ufff… what a long intro, sorry guys I’ve been missing you too, my fellow readers!)


    You know what my favorite type of people are? The ones I can go for hours and hours talking about everything and nothing, ignoring the clock, what society dictates we should think, etc. No wonder, why my boyfriend “complains” of me not letting him sleep (even though a conversation needs a two side participation, just saying) and no wonder why with my best friends we can send inbox that are half meter long, great Skype talks that last longer than expected, go for “quick” lunch dates that last over three hours, or be lying down next to each other knowing we have to sleep and all of a sudden: oh! 4am. And with lots of these people we have commented about something I will summarize in a sentence: We live in a society of chairs, tags, and background noise.

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    What do I mean with this? Well, we live in a world of persons who sit down, tag other ones trying to enclose a whole human being in a single word, and their whole collaboration and comments are nothing but critics which won’t help others grow up but actually want to do the contrary, therefore… nothing but background noise.

    Let’s start by the first part… a society of people who sit down. Now, there’s tons of things going around our world, from social problems to big opportunities that would change your life in a split of a second, from hungry people in your local park, to trips to travel. And in here I am talking about BIG things, since you do not actually have to be a social activist, a travel junky, or move to the other side of the world to start a new life. Sometimes it is all about helping the mother with the baby carriage go down the stairs, wash the dishes without being asked, clean your room, start that paper today rather than 10 hours before the deadline, and so on. It is all about having the initiative for something better, something that by the end benefits you more than others because giving, starting, moving, makes you grow. But nowadays we have this tiny voice inside our mind who tells us “Why bother? It is not my problem. Someone else will do it. It won’t make a difference” and that is when we fall into the pile of the majority and sit down staring our lives go by and not moving a finger.

    And you know what happens with the tumblr_matnz77rkx1r6ubhwo1_500people that do not do anything with their own lives? They become bore and that’s when they find other’s lives way too interesting… enough to go inside and just try to mess up around or comment about it. So, it is normal that once you start doing something different other people will talk about it, not necessarily nicely but do not even dare to let them stop you… actually, it just means you are doing something good, something different, DOING SOMETHING.

    Secondly, and this one I might actually go further in other blog post, TAGS. This I can also explain using the box imagery, we normally try to close up someone’s personality in a single word or description… which is like trying to put an elephant inside a cereal box. As humans, we are so vast that the insides of our heads are a universe itself, and also we are in constant change (for good or for bad)…

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    Still, we seem surprised when someone does not act according to their tag, when we see “the geek” out having a beer, when the girl we call among our friends “the nun” goes to a party and looks stunning with makeup and a dress, when “the brains” of the class fails a test or the contrary, when “the not so smart” kid of the class gets a good grade and our first conclusion is that he/she cheated. But why is that? Why we try to enclose a universe in something so small? Why do we do this to ourselves as well?


    To ourselves? How?
    Well, it might be from something small as to the music we listen to… maybe we belong to the “metal group” and all of a sudden this song of Jason Mraz just cliques-funny-girls-lunch-mean-favim-com-237089_largeseems to stick into our heads and we start singing it on the shower and we feel it is not right. Or the first time we fail a test after being a straight A+ student and we think our life is over and all of a sudden you do not consider yourself smart anymore.

    Tags are too small to define a person… today we can be smiling and throwing flowers at people, tomorrow we might not feel like it, maybe I like to read classics and watch TED talks by the dozen, but at the same time I will laugh at stupid jokes and have a beer at a bar while dancing nonsensically with my friends. Maybe you have a “bitch resting face” but love kids and are the sweetest aunt/baby sitter/mom/child kidnapper (okay, maybe not the last one). We do not have to fit in a word, in a group, close ourselves inside an imaginary barrier. You be you, an whoever does not understand it… well, they can go mind other business.

    Last, background noise… this istumblr_n4v8ps8uxy1qj4315o1_500 something I’ve noticed since some years ago. This type of people who when they open their mouths what comes out is not productive at all… people who talk about other people, or people who like to critic but not to make others become better but the contrary. Small talk is something I can stand and even enjoy for a while, it is even my “usual talk” with some people but when small talk transforms into words full of bad intentions… well, to stop from punching people I just tend to space out and let them be what they really are: background noise.

    And do not take me wrong, I am no Miss Only-Good-Intention-Deep-Talk-Full-Of-Meaning… pfff, I am human too and I have fallen into these talks more than once or twice. When I realize though, I feel a bit ashamed since wasting words and time into something with no purpose or cause it is sort of pitiful… and I guess you have also, since we are all humans and well, we do mess up things a bit from time to time… but at least we realize. don’t we?

    The thing is, that there is people that for them this is the usual talk. They live to criticize other people, they feed from negativity and they believe that bringing others down or making them feel less worthy will improve their own value. And the only thing I can tell you is that once you cross path with this type of persons: RUN AWAY. And if you cannot (sometimes they are impossible to escape) well, zoom out, think about your grocery shopping list, nod, smile, and move on. Do not let their comments sink into your soul, do not let their words cross your heart, do not let them feed from your beautiful soul.

    But… what happens if youfeel the giphymajority are like this? Are you the one who steps over what is normal and do not belong? Yes. Are you wrong then? No. Are you the only one? Of course not… and that is the beautiful thing of meeting people with similar ideas, people who inspire you, motive you, and wake up respect and admiration from you. Because then, you realize that you might be weird, that you need to space out and play an Elvis Presley song in your head while someone is talking making background noise more often than what you would like… but meeting these other persons just makes it all worth it. So, appreciate these amazing human beings, embrace your nature of growing, thinking, making a difference… and continue being you, because you do you beautifully.


    1_gifI tend to write positive things, but I do know not everything in this world is roses and positivity, so the purpose of this post is to let you (beautiful human beings) understand that sometimes it is not you the problem. Sometimes you cannot solve the problem… because sometimes the problem might be the person standing next to you who just… does not tick the right way for you. And there is nothing wrong in not liking someone, taking distance, or just blocking them from Facebook, moving to other country and changing your name to escape from them (kidding, do not do that… or do that if the country is pretty… and invite me to come over)